I wonder why it is always close to midnight before I sit down to type a blog… It is not like I have a full time job anymore that keeps me away from my “personal time” everyday. I do, however, have a house, a baby, a dog, a husband… I guess that is pretty much a full time job in and of itself, eh? Maybe not. Maybe I am just using it as a cop-out. I guess for now it will have to do!
You know what I noticed tonight? I receive at least 3 outside visits to my blog every day (the stats do not record my visits to my own blog). I do not know who you are, but THANKS for helping me feel special, you wonderful three individuals! It is a nice feeling to know that someone cares enough to “visit” on a daily basis. So thanks!
Something else I noticed… I have only two and a half days left before I have my soldier back in my arms! ”How in the world did I get here?”, I asked myself. So, I decided that I needed to go back to my blogs from the beginning of this 15 month adventure and remind myself of how far I (we) have come, and what I (we) did to get here.
Here are some highlights…
February 7th 2008 (about 60 days before the deployment began)
It is a new day and I think that extra sleep did me some good. Although I am not yet feeling chipper, I at least have a new outlook on everything. It takes a while for me to realize that this is only a moment in time — a blink when I look through the eyes of eternity. I think I am getting there.
There will be time in the future for children… maybe that has been the most painful thing of all. I want to have my babies with my husband by my side. I know so many women who have done it alone, and they are much stronger than I am because I know that I cannot. Some days I feel like a childless Mommy, looking desperately to the future to find them. My day will come. I have to believe it will.
Wow! So this is the crazy part. In July 2007, J and I decided we wanted to go ahead and try getting pregnant. Obviously, by early February we had pretty much given up on trying because of the impending deployment. GO FIGURE… about 7 weeks later, we found out we were expecting! Ah… pregnancy. Such a magical time. I went from this…
May 7, 2008
I am now 10 weeks along… so ALMOST through my 1st trimester and I still do not feel an ounce pregnant. I still have zero negative side effects/symptoms of pregnancy — YaY!! I get to have my next appointment where I will hear the heartbeat of my little one on Wednesday of next week. I am SO excited!! I am honestly completely loving pregnancy.
… to this…
November 15th 2008
Any of you who have talked to me personally lately will know that I am ready to have this baby girl now. Yes, I know I am ONLY at 36 weeks, but the end of pregnancy is EXHAUSTING and 37 weeks is full-term darn it!! I am going to start putting up eviction notices next week…
It was almost a full month later that I finally held my precious little one in my arms. And THAT was amazing!
Here is another good “excerpt”…
May 23rd 2008 (my “golden” birthday… turning 23 on the 23rd — a day of HUGE self-realization for me last year at the beginning of the deployment)
When I was little, I dreamed of performing for people… that is all I wanted to do with my life — entertain. In fact, I took gymnastics (until I broke my arm and decided that gymnastics was not for me), ballet (until I realized that pink and froofy outfits were also not my style), and a slew of other skill-honing classes and sports. So this show really did awaken in me that little girl that just wanted to live her life traveling and performing things that others could not do.
And now, I have come to the sad realization that my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be 15-20 years down the road. Even at the tender age of 5, I saw myself unmarried as an adult and enjoying life as a performer (however that happened with acting, music, singing, dancing, or anything else) and traveling to places I had only read about in books and newspapers. But I gave up on so many dreams early on and let myself slip into “normalcy”. There is a part of me that hates it, and a part of me that finds security in where my life is today. That is my dilemma. Please do not think that I am having some kind of “quarter-life crisis” here. I am just realizing some things about life that part of me wishes I had been warned about. Not all your dreams come true (Disney got it wrong), but that does not mean that none of them do!!
No, in fact, so many of my newly acquired dreams HAVE come true. For instance, I found a man that I can love deeper than I love myself. He and I have added to our family and made a child of our own to nurture and care for and love. And we have purchased a beautiful home in the state we both grew up in. So see… I am learning that some dreams DO come true, just usually not the ones I had expected from the beginning.
Sometimes I laugh when I read my thoughts from previous years… I think to myself, “Oh how immature… Did I really feel that way?” Then, I realize that the whole reason I sounded immature is because I WAS IMMATURE. Is that not the point of growing older and learning life each day? So I have taught myself to treasure those silly comments, ridiculous letters, and over-the-top emotional outbursts, because they are the moments that brought me here — to today and the moments I am living now. They are the pile of lessons I glean from when I find myself searching for answers, and the pitfalls I hope to someday teach my children to avoid.
They say hindsight is 20/20, and I have to agree — particularly when I have it in writing!
